Shift

Do you ever realize just how much you get set in your ways. Sure small things change, but overall, you just keep plodding forward just like you did yesterday, last month...last year? Recently, it seems my life has shifted...just slightly, but wow, enough to leave me feeling a bit off kilter.
There's been the small things. Take running for example. For something that I don't particularly love, it's taken over more time and thought than I'd care to make room for. I've committed to doing a 1/2 marathon in January. I'm thinking this wasn't the best choice...all my spare cold weather-holiday packed schedule time is getting filled with runner's guilt. "Today is slightly warm...I'd better run," or "I need to meet another milestone in my training...I have to go run."  I'm as slow as ever and I'm not even shedding any winter weight either. Grrr. I did hit the 8 mile mark....big milestone!
Then there's been the changes at church. Total change of pace going from Relief Society to Primary. I'm not saying this is bad...just different.  My friend told me to think of it as "spiritual cross training." I love that. I've also had the opportunity to be a small part of a neighbor taking the discussing and attending church. Something else that weighs heavily on my thoughts; "Am I doing enough," "Did I say the right things," or "How is she feeling about this." A lot to take in.
Then, I've had moments of change with my kids. More accurately, I would say moments of realization on my part. Realizing where I am totally lacking as a parent. It takes work to be totally aware of each facet of  their life. From social issues at school, to work ethic at home and school,  to lesson schedules, to individual desires and emotions....it's just hard to stay on top of. We recently had a disconcerting parent teacher conference....a real eye opener. Parenting is just A LOT of work. Constant re-awareness. Constant starting over (how many times do you re-start your family scripture reading or re-teach your kids how to clean the bathroom?) I feel like I am constantly falling short. I do the best thing I know how....start again.
Then, the biggest change in my life right now. Work. I had planned to start some sort of job when all the kids were in school, but not for at least a year. I'd been thinking what will I do? What can I do? Missions, college and weddings will be here soon...let alone the basement we dream of. Well, a couple weeks ago an opportunity came my way. The timing seems a bit premature, but they are totally willing to take me when they can. I am working for a retinal specialist. At this point only about 10+ hrs a week (in office and at home). Initially I thought I would be doing trascription and receptionist duties. I was a bit overwhelmed on my first day when the doctor walked out of the exam room and said, "Oh, will you re-numb his eye?" What? You want me to get in his personal space and put something in his eye? It was made clear to me that everyone is trained in everything. In addition to scheduling, phones, insurance, and trasnscription, I am also learning all the tech stuff. That means I will be the one that does the initial patient exam....accuity test, eye pressure, numbing, dilation, scans, surgery tray prep, and charting.  Oh and throw in the handling of syringes and medications that cost $2000 a pop. Ummm....don't I need a degree for all that? My brain has never felt so atrophied. All the acronyms, abbreviations, latin terms, medical terms....all very overwhelming. Oh, and I had have to dress professionally?! I only have one pair of non-denim pants. See what I mean....a total shift from where I've been. Right now, it feels like so many more hours that it is...this steep learning curve is mentally exhausting. I'm reserving total judgement until I'm feeling more settled in a couple weeks (or months), but I think I kind of like the challenge and patient interaction. We will see how this all settles in. Until then, I will continue starting over each time I fall short.