Shift

Do you ever realize just how much you get set in your ways. Sure small things change, but overall, you just keep plodding forward just like you did yesterday, last month...last year? Recently, it seems my life has shifted...just slightly, but wow, enough to leave me feeling a bit off kilter.
There's been the small things. Take running for example. For something that I don't particularly love, it's taken over more time and thought than I'd care to make room for. I've committed to doing a 1/2 marathon in January. I'm thinking this wasn't the best choice...all my spare cold weather-holiday packed schedule time is getting filled with runner's guilt. "Today is slightly warm...I'd better run," or "I need to meet another milestone in my training...I have to go run."  I'm as slow as ever and I'm not even shedding any winter weight either. Grrr. I did hit the 8 mile mark....big milestone!
Then there's been the changes at church. Total change of pace going from Relief Society to Primary. I'm not saying this is bad...just different.  My friend told me to think of it as "spiritual cross training." I love that. I've also had the opportunity to be a small part of a neighbor taking the discussing and attending church. Something else that weighs heavily on my thoughts; "Am I doing enough," "Did I say the right things," or "How is she feeling about this." A lot to take in.
Then, I've had moments of change with my kids. More accurately, I would say moments of realization on my part. Realizing where I am totally lacking as a parent. It takes work to be totally aware of each facet of  their life. From social issues at school, to work ethic at home and school,  to lesson schedules, to individual desires and emotions....it's just hard to stay on top of. We recently had a disconcerting parent teacher conference....a real eye opener. Parenting is just A LOT of work. Constant re-awareness. Constant starting over (how many times do you re-start your family scripture reading or re-teach your kids how to clean the bathroom?) I feel like I am constantly falling short. I do the best thing I know how....start again.
Then, the biggest change in my life right now. Work. I had planned to start some sort of job when all the kids were in school, but not for at least a year. I'd been thinking what will I do? What can I do? Missions, college and weddings will be here soon...let alone the basement we dream of. Well, a couple weeks ago an opportunity came my way. The timing seems a bit premature, but they are totally willing to take me when they can. I am working for a retinal specialist. At this point only about 10+ hrs a week (in office and at home). Initially I thought I would be doing trascription and receptionist duties. I was a bit overwhelmed on my first day when the doctor walked out of the exam room and said, "Oh, will you re-numb his eye?" What? You want me to get in his personal space and put something in his eye? It was made clear to me that everyone is trained in everything. In addition to scheduling, phones, insurance, and trasnscription, I am also learning all the tech stuff. That means I will be the one that does the initial patient exam....accuity test, eye pressure, numbing, dilation, scans, surgery tray prep, and charting.  Oh and throw in the handling of syringes and medications that cost $2000 a pop. Ummm....don't I need a degree for all that? My brain has never felt so atrophied. All the acronyms, abbreviations, latin terms, medical terms....all very overwhelming. Oh, and I had have to dress professionally?! I only have one pair of non-denim pants. See what I mean....a total shift from where I've been. Right now, it feels like so many more hours that it is...this steep learning curve is mentally exhausting. I'm reserving total judgement until I'm feeling more settled in a couple weeks (or months), but I think I kind of like the challenge and patient interaction. We will see how this all settles in. Until then, I will continue starting over each time I fall short.

Little gems from the past

   Don't you love it when you unexpectedly find something?  Five dollars in the jacket you haven't worn since last fall? A lost necklace, for example? How about a photo you forgot existed or a letter from a g'parent that is now gone? This afternoon I found those very things. One made me laugh out loud, this other made me thoughtful and pensive.
   I am working on a Christmas gift for my kids (hopefully I can pull it together!)and I've had to sort through old photos and papers. Besides finding that my photo taking and paper keeping is a bit lop-sided between the kids (you know: oldest child vs. middle child vs. the baby!!), I've also found some wonderful gems from the past. Forgotten Mother's Day cards done in nursery, primitively scrawled names and great photos. Among these things, I found this letter from my G'ma Jensen. I loved coming across this letter talking about what was going on in her life. I loved seeing her handwriting. I loved seeing an article she knew I'd love. (about my dear great uncle Merrill). I even love the little pink post it attached to article. So glad I kept it all.
   Next, the laughter. I came across this  random photo taken at work. I was working for the Sears calling center in Provo. How old do you think I look in this photo? Now before you look at the date and do the math, give it a guess. I've shown this to a couple people today. Fourteen was one reply, and sixteen was the other. Nope, I'd be 24yrs old...pregnant with my second child. Yes, I can hear you laughing now. The bangs. The glasses. Oh, I thought those were so cute and made me look older. The shirt. Yikes! the shirt....an oversized courderoy number...so 90's, right? No wonder I got looks of pity when I went to the grocery store....looks of pity from everyone assuming I was a teen mom.
   Often going through old things just makes me melancholy. I get sad seeing that time relentlessly marches forward leaving loved ones gone and little ones grown up too fast. And then....and then....I find something funny like this that just laughs those blues away!

Miscellaneous cuteness

When we were working on the dining room two weeks ago (yes, it's done and yes, I will post photos), there were some tense moments. Hanging the new light fixture to a 20ft ceiling would be one of those tense moments. The kids wanted to be part of the excitement. Jenna and Sarah were hiding behind a chair to watch. Finally, we excused them all to bed so we could continue the fun. Needless to say, we didn't get it hung that first night. We even thought a few  "words" would help, but no, we would have to try again the next night. As I climbed into bed that night, I found a note from Sarah on my pillow. She leaves notes often and they always bring a smile to my face. This one had me laughing out loud. She could not have captured the night more perfectly. I promise, it's worth clicking on it to enlarge it. Can you see the picture? Notice the details: Chad on the ladder, me holding the light....and Jenna hiding under the chair in the corner. Can you read it? Notice the post script. It says, "P.S. What was that shattering sound?" Umm, that would be me tripping over the old light (although it didn't actually shatter) and that would also be when a few unacceptable words came out. I'm thinking that is what prompted this note of love and concern.

Next item of cuteness. There are a few things about Jenna right now that are so her. Four of them are in this awesome photo. 1) Helping mama cook. She loves to help me. Anytime I am in the kitchen, she scoots the white stool to my side 2) The shark goggles. Pretty cool, aren't they? I'm thinking her love for these comes from the kids love of the movie "Shark Boy and Lava Girl." She even wore these out to dinner a couple weeks ago 3) Gloves. She has been on a glove kick for quite some time now. I'm not sure how or why it started. We did have a spike of interest with the death of Michael Jackson. I think she noticed the connection with glove and him. She was overhead saying to her siblings, "Guys, are you sad that Michael Jackson died?" and "I'm sad Michael Jackson died."  Even so, her glove love has been going on even before that. 4) Boots. Whether it's the bright pink rain boots or the brown snow boots, she's always up for some boot-wearing fun.

These are just a few things that my girls have done that just absolutely make my heart smile. These are definitely moments that I wish I could freeze in time.